This Is War!

So, the orange idiot is using our military to attack Iran. This is War! Unless you call it war. If you call it war Hegseth, Rubio, and Johnson will tell you it’s not war. They told congress it’s not war, so congress doesn’t have to approve of the war.

As I write this, 6 service members dead, over 1000 Iranians dead including 168 schoolchildren, and the president is comfortable saying many more will die. It’s ok because it’s not war.

Last September he changed the name of Department of Defense to Department of War and Secretary of Defense to Secretary of War because it sounded more alpha and he had to impress the bros, but now it isn’t war. Hegseth is referred to as Defense secretary, so I guess what the new names aren’t really the names. Is that why it isn’t war? Can we call it the Gulf of Mexico again?

Once again, old white billionaires will start a war other people’s kids die in. Their kids? Nah, they’re safe. Baron trump is an inch too tall for the military and besides, I’m sure he’s inherited dad’s bone spurs.

Price of gas is going up. Is it because bombing Iran affects world’s oil supply chain?  Nah, it’s because of the governors of blue states. Don’t ask me to explain it. I read it in the news. It must be true. The news wouldn’t print government talking points just because our media is now owned by the same billionaires that run everything else.

It’s always struck me as funny how the price of gas goes up the day anything affects supply even though the gas at the station was refined and delivered a while ago.

Well, I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist so I’ve gotta move on to other news.

Kristy Noem was fired. The first of the incompetent criminals to go. Apparently when you spend 70 million for a luxury jet to fly around with your concubine (women can have those right? Sounds better than side piece) then give a 140-million-dollar contract to an 8-day old company run by the husband of your staffer—a few red flags go up.

Of course, the real problem was Kristy was getting commercials with more face time than trump and she ran a sloppy grift. Two things trump hates. She’s replaced by Mark Wayne Mullin, a former MMA fighter, so I’m sure he’s qualified. I guess he and the secretary of war, not war, can lift weights together.

Speaking of which, can someone get RFK some sweats? The jeans at the gym look impresses no one.

Ok, I gotta wrap this up. I’ve gone on too long and my publicist says these rants are for Substack.

March Madness basketball tournament is this month, and baseball starts even though it’s way too soon. We’ll be getting more daylight and spring will turn those climate change snowstorms into climate change rain even though, like war, climate change ain’t real.

March 9-16 I’m at the new Laugh Factory at the Horseshoe Casino in Las Vegas https://www.ticketmaster.com/alonzo-bodden-tickets/artist/1562387

March 20-21 I’m at Hilarities on Cleveland, one of my favorite clubs https://hilarities.com/events/127442

I just recorded my latest comedy special “Comedy and All That Jazz Vol 4” with Christian McBride. Now its post-production, editing, etc. I’ll keep you posted. Keep laughing!